Guilty Until Proven Innocent

Over the past few days, I've had my hands full with a major bureaucratic crisis, of sorts. It all started with a letter in the mail from UW which stated that the social security number I submitted during the consent phase of a criminal background check (required for all new university employees), belonged to someone else who lived in Michigan from 1934-1951. Superficially, it seemed utterly ridiculous, and even a bit funny (clearly, I am NOT that old!), but this letter heralded the arrival of some serious consequences!

Since no one could be technically hired by the University of Wisconsin without first passing a criminal background check, if I didn't find a way to fix this problem, I wasn't going to be paid or get health insurance coverage! Needless to say, panic quickly set in and I immediately called my PI to tell her what was happening (thankfully, when she says she has an "open-door policy", she really means it!). She gave me the name of someone else in the department who oversees new appointments and told me to call her. Although I wasn't expecting to get a response to my voicemail message until the following day, Michelle Szabo got right back to me. She reassured me that this was probably just a minor typographical error and would be quickly rectified once I went in to South Hall the following day to straighten it out.


The next morning, I brought in heaps of papers to support my claims (that I was who I said I was and that the SSN I use really is mine... And has been since 1996!). I had to beg to get the check re-run by Hire Right, the company UW contracts to conduct them. The same methods led to the same result so, one thing led to another and ultimately, I was forced to go to the social security office here in Madison for proof that my social security number really was mine and hadn't ever been issued to anyone else.

Not only did I receive a certificate to verify what I had been saying all along but the lady I spoke with at the Social Security Administration actually picked up the phone and called the criminal background check coordinator whose number was on the letter I received. She asked the coordinator how the checks were being conducted because the only way they could have gotten such a ridiculous result would have been to use only a portion of my SSN and assume that I was born in the same state that issued my social security card, Michigan (which, I was not, since I was actually born in Canada!). Want to know what the real kicker is? If I had come to Madison as a Canadian (or any other foreign national), I would not have had to go through a criminal background check at all! How outrageous is that?

So anyway, I brought the certificate I received from Social Security back to the criminal background check coordinator and spent a very nerve-wracking weekend without medical insurance (a very dangerous thing for someone like me). Over the weekend, my PI kept a close eye on my situation and made recommendations which, I believe, finally got things moving along. The following morning, I camped out at South Hall until a call was finally placed to Hire Right (that continued to insist that they were using my full social security number in their search and not only that, but that the data came from the Social Security Administration itself!). Clearly, we weren't getting anywhere.

For the time being, it was decided that the results of the background check would be ignored and my appointment would simply proceed as planned. It only made sense... I mean even if I was an ex-con (and I'm not-- but you'll have to take my word for it *LOL!*), what harm could I possibly cause in a geology department? We don't work with hazardous biological agents (for the most part), children (except during supervised outreach activities), or other people's money. Seriously, if I was a criminal, I'd think my department was a pretty lame place to hang out.

So there you have it. Criminals beware! The University of Wisconsin is keeping a lookout for you! Even innocent people aren't immune. Those who passed their checks, interestingly enough, seemed to be the most vocal in stating their objections to them. Quite frankly, they felt it was an invasion of their privacy. Although I personally have nothing to hide, I have to agree.

I only hope UW comes to realize that the money currently spent on these silly background checks would be better off going towards other things... like academic scholarships. Surely, cutting down on the debt loads of UW graduates would be a smarter investment! Just think of all those grateful future-alumni with their big fat paychecks (because they don't have student loans to repay!). It seems like a no-brainer to me.

Astrobiology at the Ballpark

Last night, I participated in a NASA-sponsored education and outreach activity. We went to a Madison Mallards game and set up some booths with materials from the UW Geology Museum. Our goal was to bring astrobiology to members of the public who might not ever be exposed to the field otherwise.

In all, we had about 6 tables:

1) Banded-Iron Formations (BIFs)

Here we are at the BIF table in our matching WARC T-shirts!

2) Extremophilic Microorganisms

3) Zircons (Radiometric Dating)

Prof. John Valley telling a mother & son about the oldest rock in North America (the big, grey one on the table)!

4) Stromatolites

Running through the pre-game spiel

5) Friends of the UW Geology Museum


6) Free Stuff from NASA (bookmarks, CDs and extremophile trading card packs)
*You can get the CD contents yourself here!

Free NASA Stuff Bookmark (left), CD (about extremophilic microorganisms) and Trading Cards (about different types of extremophiles).

By far, the BIF table was the coolest because we had cool hats and "build-a-BIF" blocks.

These were supposed to be for the kids to wear, but I think the grad students spent more time in them than the kids.

This was the "build-a-BIF" activity which consisted of two kinds of small blocks, oxygen (white) and iron (grey) which together, fit under the large hematite box (black). The red box represents chert and may alternate with the black hematite bands as the BIF is deposited on the ocean floor (built).

Again, I think the grad students played with the blocks more than the kids did...

Since this was my first NASA outreach activity at UW, it took me a while to hit my stride. At first, I wasn't really sure what to say. I mean, when you're used to talking to other scientists, how do you break the ice with kids? My friend and fellow grad student, Jason Huberty, regularly helps out at the UW Geology museum so I watched him give his speech a few times before trying it myself. At first, I tried to mimic what he said but soon realized that I'd be better off coming up with something that was uniquely my own. After all, our backgrounds were different so it only made sense to change my approach to suit what I was familiar with.

I found that the best way to attract kids to our table was to lure them in with a challenge, "Who wants to try and lift a really heavy rock?" Gently, I placed the smallest rock we had into each little hand that crossed our table and encouraged them to pick up the others as well (see photo above). Once the rocks were in-hand, it was easier to hold their attention as I explained why some had stripes and others didn't, some had straight stripes and others had squiggly ones... Even parents seemed interested in the idea that Earth didn't always have an atmosphere rich in oxygen like we do today. Many had never heard of hydrothermal vents and I even had one religious question that tested my abilities. I also thought it was nice that my colleague could explain BIFs to some of our Spanish-speaking visitors in their native toungue (something I could not have done since I was raised in Canada where Spanish is almost never taught in schools).

All in all, I think everyone had a blast and we certainly introduced astrobiology to a lot of new people. I hope we get to do more of these sorts of activities. Who says a scientific education must be confined to the classroom?

Jason Huberty with the Madison Mallard (mascot)

UPDATE: For more about this activity, visit the following websites...

• NASA Astrobiology Institute
• UW-Madison Geology Museum
• Museum Alliance (NASA)
• University of Wisconsin-Madison News

Offices & Acts of Kindness

This morning I brought in posters, binders and some of my old text books. The office I'm supposed to be sharing with another grad student who, conveniently, never seems to come in, is really starting to feel like a second home to me. I have the tendency to surround myself with images that inspire me. In my case, that means plastering the place with Hubble Space Telescope images of the cosmos. The image below is a "before" photo. I'll post another one after I'm through redecorating. ;)

As you can see, I did not have to give up my precious office space (made all the more precious by the fact that it is, by far, the nicest workspace I've ever had in any of the labs I worked in. Not everyone in my program is as lucky as I am (to have so much privacy and natural light) but even those students who must share with more than one other person still have it better than their Penn State counterparts. When I was there, the fewest I ever had to share with was two (during a short 6-week rotation). I went through two labs there where six students shared the same office space (that is, where office spaces were not in buildings with noisy "open concept" labs, in which case, bring the number up to ten!)! Yes, it could always be worse.

The last lab I was in at Mass General was an open concept lab on a grand scale (all labs on the same floor of the Richard B. Simches building in the same room). If a few people decided to horse around, everyone paid for it! For someone who is easily distracted like myself, trying to concentrate there was a total nightmare (this was my desk behind us in the photo; right next to my bench)! As if that wasn't enough, I was stuck in the middle of the room, about as far away from a window as you could get and... right next to the hallway that housed an unshielded NMR... The one piece of equipment I could not approach with my implants. Requests to be allowed to move fell on deaf ears. I often sought refuge in other areas of the building so I could actually get some reading done. I was probably the only person with implants that were sensitive to magnetic fields but no one seemed to care at all. It simply didn't matter to anyone else.

Speaking of which, one thing I find so refreshing about UW is that they tend to do the exact opposite of what I expect (given my past experiences). The other day, I was so worried that my actions (namely, moving someone else's belongings from my assigned work space) was going to serve as a source of long-term friction between myself and my new colleagues. As it turned out, it was no big deal to this other student at all. He was polite and easygoing about the whole thing and this was a complete shock to me! If this had happened at either of my last two schools, I never would have heard the end of it! People genuinely seem to care about each other here.

The View from my 4th floor office window in Weeks Hall at the University of Wisconsin, Madison.

People are just so darn friendly here that when the bus drivers see someone running to catch the bus-- even if they don't actually catch up to the bus when it's directly in front of a stop (i.e., stopped at an intersection)-- the drivers will stop, open the doors to let poor, would-be passengers on! Yes, to a former-Bostonian, this is quite a switch indeed! I have witnessed similar acts of kindness on a daily basis since coming to Madison and I still can't quite believe it. I guess it's going to take some getting used to...

I survived my first (official) day at UW-Madison

Well, here I am... so tired I can hardly breathe but I'm surviving. Yesterday was my first day as a graduate student in Astrobiology (technically, Geology & Geophysics) at the University of Wisconsin, Madison. Before I even set foot in the door, I had already been recruited for an educational outreach activity that's going to happen this upcoming Friday called, "Astrobiology at the Ballpark". Apparently, I'm going to be helping out at the BIF (Banded-Iron Formation) table (I'll tell you more about this activity in a later entry).

Shortly after getting to the lab, I had to move another student's belongings from my assigned office space (as gently and delicately as possible since he's on vacation and probably didn't realize that the space was assigned to me). Later, I received a mountain of papers to read (I like to call this the "mega-stack"; a pile of papers your PI will want you to read before getting started on your research projects). In fact, there were so many papers, that they exhausted the quota on my brand new geology email account and froze it (meaning I couldn't send or receive any more emails until I deleted the attachments--papers--from my account). To top it all off, I wound up staying late on my first day to babysit the printer... as each sheet of the mega-stack was painstakingly printed. So, there's my first day in a nutshell!

I don't mean to make it sound like a negative experience. In fact, I came home in a rather good mood, despite my fatigue. I promised you a real look at what it's like to be a graduate student in astrobiology at an NAI-consortium member school and I'm sticking to it. Getting started at a brand new place in a new position is always exhausting. There are so many names, places, things, and rules to remember and you have to get all of it straight sooner rather than later because the remainder of your time there could very well depend on it. There are cards to get, keys to pick up, forms to fill out, people to get acquainted with... etc.

We all want to make a good first impression when we start somewhere new. In my case, I consulted others as to how to handle this situation where another student had taken up residency in my office space. The student in question was on vacation and the person in charge of office assignments was too (great, huh?). To be honest, I felt really guilty moving this student's things without his permission even though my name was on the list and his wasn't.

Although I hadn't met him yet, I wanted him to like me. Let's face it, moving someone else's things usually isn't the best way to make that happen. I left him a note, explaining my actions, along with a copy of the office assignment roster but I don't think I'll feel any better about it until I have had a chance to meet with him face-to-face and discuss it. I also informed my new PI of the situation since I know it's important to her that she be able to find me (in the event that I am the one who must find a new workspace). At the very least, I don't think I could have done anything other than what I did. My PI already has work for me, she needs me to have a place to do that work, the space was assigned to me, case closed, right? I guess we'll just have to see where that leads-- the other student is due back tomorrow.

Otherwise, things seem to be going pretty well. I like my new colleagues. They're curteous, helpful and hard-working. My PI is easy to talk to, has lots of interesting ideas and plans for the future. I feel like my interests and hers mesh well together. The papers she wants me to read are familar to me. I do not have to start from square one in the lab since I already know many of the techniques I will need (picked up from previous labs). I appreciate the fact that Dr. Sahai is always thinking of the present in terms of the future. When she comes up with a plan for one of her students, it is with timelines in mind-- any shortcut that could minimize the time needed to complete a PhD is considered. She also places a heavy emphasis on preventative measures. By keeping the lines of communication open, potential problems in the lab-- interpersonal or technical-- get nipped in the bud while they're still small enough to fix. I should say that not all PIs are like this; I feel these are really unique traits.

Dr. Sahai once told me that she keeps the lab small on purpose, for if she allowed it to get too big, she would not be able to invest so much effort in each student's development. For someone like me who came from a lab with over 30 students and a PI who was away from the lab more often than not, this is a drastic change. Over the years, I have come across many PIs with "open-door" policies who simply were not present to be available in the first place. Some students prefer this approach because it maximizes independence early. However, this can be a rather risky proposition too because it leaves you vulnerable when mistakes happen. Small problems can get very big, very quickly before anyone realizes what's happening and then, it could very well be too late to salvage anything. I also have a hard time understanding how a PI can get to know their students if they never interact with them. Let's face it. If we didn't need to learn anything from our PIs, why would we be in their labs in the first place? If I come Y University to learn from Professor X, then I would expect to spend at least some time benefiting from Professor X's wisdom and experiences... not those of his post-docs exclusively!

At any rate, I think you catch my drift. I'm starting to get a feel for what the next few years are going to be like here at UW and it seems like it's going to be vastly different than what I've experienced before at other institutions. I feel I am in a rather unique position to make comparisons between UW's astrobiology program and Penn State's (another "big 10" school that also happens to be an NAI consortium member). I will be scrutinizing everything from education & outreach to academic rigor and student retention! I hope my rambling will be helpful to other prospective astrobiology students out there who may be feeling torn between these two programs (or even, one of these and other schools I have not attended).

I expect to spend the rest of my first week reading that mountain of papers I mentioned before, and starting to get familiar with where things are in the lab. I'm already doing small things in the lab itself, like making buffers in preparation for dialyzing oxides that will be used in liposome adsorption experiments later this week. I will also be having a training session this Friday in XRD (x-ray diffraction). I realize it doesn't sound all that exciting but it is perfectly normal not to be doing much in the lab in the beginning. Now, the emphasis is mostly on literature review.

Lewis G. Weeks Hall of Geological Sciences, University of Wisconsin-Madison.

The Catch-Up Entry

Whew! What a month!

Okay... so here's the rest of the story.

The last chance I had any amount of time to contemplate what I was writing, I had just turned down ISU because I was unable to come up with the rest of the money I would have needed to go there after the 30,000 Euro scholarship. Several days after I did this, ISU came back with another offer. Since, in my letter to them, I had also explained that I would not have been able to attend their institution this fall anyway, because of a previous committment I had already made to the University of Wisconsin, they offered me a 10,000 Euro scholarship and the opportunity to attend only their summer session (SSP09).

As I was considering this most recent offer, my new PI (for those of you out there who don't know what PI means, it stands for "Principal Investigator"; it's the professor who leads the lab you're working in) asked me to come early to Madison. Of course, I was ecstatic because this is how I'd wanted to spend my summer in the first place! The monkey wrench in all my plans, of course was the fact that she wanted me to start on June 1st; leaving me about a month to find housing and complete all aspects of the move.

The University of Wisconsin, Madison campus.

Under normal circumstances, a month would have been plenty of time but when you're trying to get into graduate (university) housing at UW, getting an apartment is no small feat! It was really important to me (and my budget) that I find on-campus housing and I know for a fact, that I wasn't the only one who felt this way! First of all, UW offers apartments at or below cost and most utilities are included in their rates. Second, I wanted to be close to campus so I could easily commute to the lab and back home again (2 out of the 3 complexes managed by University Apartments are on the bus route that circuits the Madison campus). Third, since I could not afford to come and look at apartments in Madison before actually moving there, I wanted to have faith that the place I was moving into would be clean, well-maintained and otherwise in good condition (I was forced to rent an apartment I hadn't scuritinized beforehand when I moved to Boston and it was NOT a pleasant experience!).

I'm sure Madison, like any other city, has it's share of slumlords and since I was certain that UW would not be among them, I wasn't worried about putting money down on a place I hadn't yet seen. Thankfully, I also had a lot of help from the staff at University Apartments and Peggy (who I'd established contact with, months in advance) found me a place that matched my specifications (i.e., no roomates, upstairs, Eagle Heights area). I was able to move in two weeks before starting in the lab which, gave me plenty of time to unpack, settle in and explore Madison. All in all, I'm very happy with my accomodations. My apartment is more modern than I expected it to be, there is a lot of green space and wildlife here, and getting to the lab is easy.

I really am fortunate to be able to live here my first year. I'm told that it's pretty common for students to have to wait at least a year before getting in because demand is so high. Given the advantages to living here, I can see why others would feel the same way I do. I think what really made the difference for me is that once I had decided to come to UW, I made it a point to call housing and speak with them directly about what my options were. I think most students just fill in the online application and wait to be called. That's what leads to trouble. They don't realize how many people are ahead of them, or how the wait-list works in terms of priorities. So, if you're thinking about coming to UW and you think you may want to live at University Apartments, give them a call and ask to speak to someone. All of the staff I've encountered here at UW, have been curteous, knowledgeable, and friendly (a far cry from other schools I've attended!).

Coming to the midwest is still a bit of a culture-shock for me after Massachusetts and Pennsylvania... My father once told me that he thought people got friendlier the further west you traveled. I haven't ever been to the west coast but I'm pretty comfortable around people here, that's for sure! In fact, I've only come across one place where I didn't feel welcome-- and that was the UHaul office we brought our truck back to. Yeah, there's a story for you! Maybe I'll include that in a separate entry.

So, anyway... back to UW.

I had a mess of paperwork to fill out with regards to getting started here and most of it pertained to the "fringe benefits" I would receive as a grad student here in the Geology & Geophysics department. When I went to Penn State, I had a basic medical insurance plan that had some vision & dental benefits and there was just one plan for everyone through MEGA (which, for me, was woefully inadequate since I had a chronic medical condition). Even "healthy" students balked at the things the insurance refused to cover when it came to acute medical problems or accidental injuries! Here at UW, new students get a thick manual and countless handouts describing a series of medical, dental, vision, insurance and savings plans and you choose what fits your situation best. Plans range from the meagre, "I'll sign up for it because I have to", minimal benefit plans to top-tier "we'll cover everything no matter what" varieties. At least here, I won't have to worry about surprise medical bills showing up in the mail! That was always fun... After a hard day at the lab, to come home and find a $600 spinal injection bill! Perfect!

Needless to say, it took me a while to evaluate all these choices but I think I finally got it straightened out. Most students my age, haven't ever been through a medical crisis and probably wouldn't fuss over this stuff as much as I did. We're all supposed to be invincible when we're young... Having been through so much over the last decade, I realize that others may have a tough time relating to the way I see the world. Deep in the recesses of my mind, I kinda-sorta remember what it was like to be young, carefree, and enthusiastic about the future. Getting into grad school was just going to be the first step in a long line of successes leading to that Nobel Prize at the end of the tunnel! Now, I'll just be happy if I can stay healthy, keep my checkbook balanced, and do my research in peace.

I am slated to start in Nita Sahai's lab on Monday morning. I've been here for almost 2 weeks now and I've had a lot of time to think about what I'm doing here. Most people in my position would probably be trying to cram in as much literature as possible and preparing to try and look like the next "rockstar scientist" (I borrowed that phrase from another student I went to school with at Penn State). I've been taking this time instead, to consider how I got here and how that will influence where I'm going-- in the lab and in life. Since I consider myself to be a "big-picture, creative thinker", I've come to realize that inspiration can come from anywhere. I often feel sorry for those who can't see the forest through the trees (detail-oriented types). If our focus becomes too narrow, our expressions too limited, our world too small, we risk losing parts of ourselves.

Over the past few years, I think my biggest mistake was trying to force myself to fit in where I was never meant to be. I didn't give myself permission to be who I was naturally. I tried to please people who didn't like me and tried to limit myself to suit some preconceived schema of someone else's "ideal". At one point, I was even instructed not to think... (you'll will ever believe who-- maybe I'll just have to embed the recording of it as an mp3 file someday). The bottom line is that everyone, on some level, is desperate to belong. Whether we're screaming successes or miserable failures, we're actively engaged in the search to find others like us.

I don't know if I've found my match here at UW yet. I've seen many encouraging signs but it's still too early to tell. All I know is that this time, I'm not going to clip my own wings. This time, I'm not going to be some shrinking violet in the corner who says "yes" to everything. Until this last year, I hadn't realized just how much of myself I let others take away. In essence, I had forgotten how to be genuine.

I truly believe that starting my own business gave me a fresh new lease on life. Seriously, everyone should try it at least once in their lives. I learned a lot by doing it and it is continuing to pay off even as I am preparing to start down another path. It doesn't take a special person to become an entrepreneur but it does create them. It teaches you where your faults truly are and how you can exploit them to your own advantage. Running a business also gives you the opportunity to view your own work experiences through the eyes of your superiors, making it easier to understand why their priorities may not always be aligned with your own.

So in closing, I hope to have time to write here more regularly, now that I will have more interesting experiences to share. Sault Ste. Marie was lovely and all but I expect to have a lot more to do in a day down here in Madison. I hope to attact the attention of prospective students who are considering scientific careers of their own, raise awareness of the unique obstacles faced by students with chronic medical conditions and disabilities in academia, and those who support what we're trying to do at AARI. I'll document everything I think may be of interest to readers in my target demographics (no matter how much I may cringe over it) and hopefully we can all get something useful out of it.

By the way, we changed our URL yesterday at AARI so don't forget to update your bookmarks!

We've Moved to Madison, Wisconsin

Everything happened so fast. In fact, we moved so suddenly that this is the first chance I've had to really think about what just happened. To everyone else, it must have looked like I just abandoned the site and closed up shop. This couldn't be further from the truth. In short, I was given the opportunity to begin graduate school a bit early... so I packed up everything and moved the whole lot to the University of Wisconsin which, is where I'm writing from now.

I hope to have more time to write over the next week or so, before I officially start in my new position in the laboratory of Dr. Nita Sahai. At the very least, I wanted to fill everyone in about what was going on here-- since I mistakenly left some of you in the dark about my whereabouts (and you let me know it!). No hard feelings, huh? I'll fill you in on every last detail just as soon as I finish setting up our new workspace here in Madison.

The Final Installment of the ISU Trilogy

I just sent a letter to the admissions committee at ISU stating the reasons why I wouldn't be able to attend their programs (detailed here in my previous blog entry). Although I know it was the right decision, on so many levels, I do have regrets. I guess I had come to consider the SSP as sort of like a space camp program for professionals and it probably would have been about as much fun. Oh well! Maybe someday, I'll get to do something even better.

On a lighter note, we've decided to step up our fundraising efforts at the AARI Gift Shop by offering private viewings to our local customers. Rather than having them view our inventory online, we will be bringing the collection directly to them in their homes, workplaces, parties... whatever! It's become obvious to us that we tend to sell the most jewelry at large gatherings or when someone has taken the time to call us up to inquire about our products. We realize that not everyone is comfortable shopping online so it just seemed logical to change our strategy to mesh with our patrons' desires.

Anyone who is interested in a free private showing can give us a call at (705) 946-5364 and we'll be happy to schedule an appointment. Anyone living in, or near either of the twin Soos (that's Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario or Michigan) resides within a convenient geographical zone for us. I should also point out that we will only be able to do this for the next few months because once I go to Madison, Wisconsin for graduate school, I won't be able to oversee operations here again until I return. So, if anyone out there is considering taking advantage of these free private showings, I would strongly advise that they call and book us sooner, rather than later.

In the meantime, I'll be editing our website so that people may call or email us as well. I also hope to place a calendar there so people can see when we're available and choose a time slot that's most convenient for them.

The ISU Saga Continues...

As you know, the other day I received a letter from ISU which seemed to be asking me to send 1,000 euros in order to be considered for a 20,000 euro scholarship. The email further went on to say that I had been wait-listed and that the class was full. Considering the fact that I had already received two separate acceptance letters for the SSP09 and MSS programs (via email and snail-mail), I was very confused and even began to wonder if it was some sort of scam since whoever sent it didn't seem to realize that I had already been accepted. Like I said before, one should never have to send money in order to be considered for a scholarship.

As it turns out, the final letter (about the wait-list) was sent in error and I hadn't been wait-listed after all. After having that clarified, ISU then offered me a 20,000 euro scholarship which would have reduced the overall cost of attending to 13,500 euros. Considering this fee covers tuition for both programs as well as housing & board, it seemed like a much more reasonable amount and since I hadn't planned on completing the MSS until after receiving my PhD from Wisconsin, I had plenty of time to raise the money.

Sounds good right? Unfortunately, there was just one teeny-tiny catch... I had to send a 1,000 Euro deposit to hold my place in the program and it has to be received by Monday. Since I never send deposits until I am certain I can come up with the remaining balance, I cannot in good faith, send the money (yes, this is what the 1,000 Euros was really about; now that I think about it, I probably received a "hybrid" letter composed of 2 letters sent to 2 different groups of people that day: 1 for those wait-listed and another for the scholarship). To be honest, I was surprised that they wanted a deposit in the first place and then I was shocked to find out that they wanted it so early (long before I've gotten decisions regarding the rest of my scholarship applications).

I never intended to go to ISU at all if I couldn't find enough financial aid to pay for it. I was never comfortable with the idea of siphoning off this month's profits from the gift shop to cover shortfalls in funding. So, I guess the bottom line is that since I'm required to start sending money before I was ready to, I won't be going to ISU at all. I know I am far from being alone in this situation as I've been corresponding with other prospective students who I happened to bump into on Facebook. Just about everyone has managed to find at least some financial aid but almost no one I've spoken to has managed to secure the entire 33,500 euro balance.

Even if ISU is worth every penny (and graduates insist it was for them), it's simply too much for members of the middle-class and below to pay. In some ways, I'm relieved. I had the sense to know when I would have been spending above my means. Borrowing the remaining balance through student loans was never an option in my mind (I borrowed more than enough as an undergrad!) and I have seen others get into trouble after borrowing too much. One friend who comes to mind borrowed about $136,000.00 to finance his baccalaureate degree and two masters degrees and I certainly don't envy him! I can't imagine how high his monthly repayments must be! Still, I see him as a victim of his circumstances too because his upbringing was so very different from my own.

I believe that having a chronic illness teaches one to be a lot more frugal. Student loans by themselves are a fact of life for members of my cohort but to combine those with skyrocketing medical bills... Let's just say you have to learn fast if you ever hope to keep your head above water. There simply wasn't any room for error and there were almost no opportunities to splurge. Maybe I should be more disappointed about not being able to go to ISU but on some level, I expected not to go-- it really was a luxury that I knew I couldn't afford on my own. I often view my choices in the context of "what could go wrong?" Six years from now, I won't be able to turn back time and decide not to go in order to save myself from the crushing financial burden of having gone to ISU. Making a smaller sacrifice now potentially saves me from a worse situation later.

I've mentioned Suzie Orman before and I have to say, that I think she's really onto something when she says that people spend money on things they can't afford because they're trying to satisfy some inner loss or emptiness. If I didn't believe I was going to be successful, or that the opportunities I have wouldn't be enough to get me where I want to be in life, I might have taken a chance on ISU. I might have rolled the dice and simply hoped to find the rest of that money later down the road. I know a lot of people who do that-- they gamble, and I have to say, that sometimes they win... but not always. Sometimes the price is just too high and once you make a mistake like that, it may be impossible to set things right again.

As much as I wish I could go to ISU, I also know that I don't need to go. I will be fine without it and so will AARI. We'll find other ways to finance our development that aren't as risky and in the end, I think we'll be better off as a result.

ISU Acceptance Letter

AARI Turns 1 Year Old Today!

Today marks the first anniversary of the Atlantis Astrobiology Research Institute. I started this organization as a virtual research group in Malden, Massachusetts and over this past summer, moved our base of operations to our permanent home in Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario. We are very proud to have reached this important landmark and we hope to enjoy many more years as we continue to explore this fascinating field called, "astrobiology". Thanks to everyone for supporting us during this first year.

Scholarship Scams: Beware of Imitations!

As some of you already know, I applied for a few ISU-related scholarships over the winter. Today I received an odd email which stated that I would need to send a thousand euros to be considered for a 20,000 euro scholarship (in addition to 13,500 euros after that). Since I already lost one scholarship because I was a dual citizen (United States-Canada for an award which required United States citizenship), you can understand why I might be wary-- particularly since the most common scholarship scams ask applicants to send money up-front (to prove you're serious). Given my experiences so far with ISU-affiliated groups, I'm seriously considering abandoning the idea of spending the summer there entirely. Tuition for ISU is astronomical (33,500 euros) and I've already accepted a very attractive offer from my first choice (U. Wisc). Perhaps it's time to cut it off with ISU and just be happy about UW. Clearly, whoever it was that sent me such a ridiculous offer believes ISU recruits idiots and I'm sure many of my friends (ISU graduates) would vehemently disagree!

Besides, why would I pay 33,500 euros to go to ISU when I can go to UW and be paid for it? At the very least (if both programs were considered equals) in this economic climate, every dollar (and euro) counts and I'm sure Suzie Orman would tell me that going to ISU at this point in time wasn't a good idea. Sometimes our dreams get the better of us and we lose sight of sensibility. True, money wasn't my primary motivator in choosing a graduate program, but I couldn't completely ignore it either.

I decided which institution I would attend based on the calibre of the program and its faculty, as well as opportunities for research, above all else. Further down my list of preferences, were items which pertained to quality of life (access to medical care, student housing, financial stability, social opportunities, etc.) and other factors which (thankfully) only substantiated the case my heart made for going to UW. I've met a lot of people who loved ISU but their situations were quite different from mine. Deciding to attend UW was very easy for me but I can't say the same about ISU... at least, not the way things are right now. I don't want to jeopardize a productive start at UW because of crushing financial debts incurred from ISU's summer program. I also don't want to sacrifice the needs of my growing business. I have other things going on in my life besides ISU; other pathways to success.

Having been a student in four different universities, I've come to realize that the way in which faculty interact with students says a lot about the quality of an academic program. If the correspondence you receive makes you feel good inside (esp. inspired/motivated), then that's a BIG hint! However, if you find yourself avoiding your inbox because you're so afraid to find a long list of impossible demands (financial, occupational, etc.), then you are in a place that doesn't appreciate what you bring to the table and it's time to let go. I really don't think we listen to our "guts" enough. I ignored mine for a very long time and only started listening to it again this past year or so. Trust me, ignoring your instincts wastes a LOT of time! Don't feel bad if you don't fit in because it is not always your fault. Measuring up is a two-way street and both parties have standards to meet.

At any rate, I guess everyone will know what I've decided if I take down the ISU poster on my store website. It would have been cool to spend the summer at NASA-Ames... but at what price? There will still be plenty of time for Ames later as a post-doc! I just hope ISU learns from this experience (students having difficulty with financial aid) and finds ways to improve upon their current support system. In the meantime, I will remove the "scholarships" in question from my website in order to protect others. If anyone reading this blog has new scholarships, fellowships or research awards to add, or warnings/concerns about existing items included on the page, please let me know ASAP via email at jordan.protocell@gmail.com.

Oh well. Live and learn!

Plenty of Opportunity but...

As the economy descended even further towards rock bottom, so too did our fundraising efforts (the AARI Gift Shop) which recorded its lowest monthly profit since it first opened last December. As depressing as that is, I am not discouraged. AARI isn’t like other research institutions in that we don’t have set expenses to eat away at our income each month. Since we have yet to bring in a steady stream of revenue, we have been careful not to commit to costly endeavors that could put us deep in debt before we ever really get off the ground. Instead of running up tabs on reagents and equipment we can’t afford, we just have to wait a little longer so that we can purchase those items outright instead.

I have received a lot of correspondence from other astrobiologists-in-training who have found it very difficult to secure financial aid for school or to find steady work that would allow them to pursue their dreams in a relevant occupation. My greatest regret is that we do not yet have enough money to be able to hire anyone from this pool of highly talented individuals. Although I was fortunate enough to be rewarded in my pursuits where my education is concerned, I was searching for other opportunities (esp. next summer) as well.

I had applied to the International Space University’s summer SSP09 program (to be held at NASA-Ames Research Center) in addition to the MSS program (as a fall-back position, in the event that I was not accepted to a doctoral program—which I was). While I was accepted to both of these programs, I was finding myself hard-pressed to be able to pay the more than 33,000 Euro tuition bill. At the very least, I would have liked to attend the summer program before starting my PhD at the University of Wisconsin-Madison and then, perhaps later after graduation, returning for that Masters program. I suppose it isn’t a huge loss to not be able to attend the MSS program in Strasbourg, France but having NASA-Ames on the resumé would have been a nice bonus indeed!

That doesn’t mean I won’t have anything to do next summer if I can’t go. There is a possibility that I might be able to get started at the University of Wisconsin a bit early (again, funding permitting) which, in all actuality would be the best possible scenario. If I can’t have everything, then at least I can have the best of what’s out there for me. Just in case, I decided to devote all of next month's profits towards a scholarship fund to send me to the SSP09. You just never know... if anyone wants to click on the ads here on the blog and toss a few pennies my way (through AdSense), I won't object!

A Rocky Road and a Fresh Start

Over the past few days, moving to Madison has become a lot more concrete in my mind. I have already started to pack my belongings. I suppose there are several reasons I have for doing this. First of all, I'm looking forward to going there and getting started on a wicked-cool new research project. I had a great time interviewing there and met a lot of great people during my visit. Why wouldn't I want more of that? Second, moving is a lot more difficult for me than it is for most other people-- because of my spinal implants, the weight I am able to lift is limited. Since I don't have much help here, it's often best for me to start packing far in advance. That way, I'm not scrambling to cram too much into boxes I can't reach, move, open, etc., at the last minute.

You may be wondering what I'm talking about when I say I have trouble doing some things. You see, in many ways Madison is going to be a fresh, new start for me. My path to scientific independence (despite how it may look), wasn't always as smooth as it is now. About eight years ago, I received a life-changing bit of news that had the potential to completely derail my plans for the future. A pancreatic tumor in someone my age (a very young woman) should have been annoying but easily reparable and it wasn't. Treatment that should have gone smoothly did not and as a result, complications ensued which forced me to put my life on hold. These sorts of "complications" plague millions of patients around the world, and I am by no means unique in this respect. The biggest monkey-wrench in all my plans and aspirations was not, in fact a neoplasm, but the damaged nerves left behind. I suffer from chronic pain... and looking at me today, you would never know.

I owe my health today to an implanted device called an intrathecal pump which, dispenses pain medication directly into the epidural space in my spine. Thanks to this device, I go about my daily life as if nothing ever happened. I feel no pain and because the dose required for intrathecal injection is so low, I experience no side effects from the medication either. I waited nearly five-and-a-half years for this level of relief and the part that's truly shocking about that, is the fact that I am one of the lucky ones. Millions more like me won't ever have so much as one more day in their entire lives without pain.

Life before the pump was nothing short of horrific. Between the pills, patches, celiac plexus blocks, botox and even a spinal cord stimulator, it was difficult to convince anyone in the medical community not to give up on me. In my case, the pump truly was the last resort. I used to take simple things like eating for granted; excruciating! Bombarded by skyrocketing medical bills, excluded by colleagues and classmates who didn't understand, and emaciated, I reached a point where my quality of life was virtually nil. It was hard not to be jealous of every other person in my life-- especially when I saw them happy. Even when faced with such odds, something propelled me forward.

Looking back, what motivated me had nothing to do with alleviating pain. Rather, it had more to do with what I believed was my ultimate purpose in life... come heck or high water, I was going to become the greatest astrobiologist I could possibly be and no obstacle on Earth was going to keep me from that! There were many days when I could not do anything but lie awake in my bed. To distract myself from the pain, I used to envision various pathways for abiogenesis. In my mind's eye, I could see ghostly organic layers swathed across crystalline surfaces alive with electrochemical purpose.

Rather than watching those miserable infomercials on TV at 3am while waiting for my pills to kick in, I would read papers about biomimetic synthesis, hydrothermal vents, and the origins of metabolic pathways. I have come to believe that solitude is crucial to the development of any young researcher because it allows us to get in touch with our deepest desires, fascinations, and questions without pointless distractions. Having this time to myself led to profound changes in the way I approached my work and ultimately, this set into motion the series of events which inspired me to break the mold, where my occupational development was concerned.

Most "astrobiologists-in-training" don't create start-ups before completing their formal education yet that is precisely what I have done. My education was interrupted by illness and the ignorance of others (who responded poorly to my state) not by choice. Not once, did I ever resolve to quit. Due to circumstances beyond my control, I simply took an interesting detour. Now that I am no longer suffering, I am almost indistinguishable from anyone else. Modest weight restrictions aside (lifting), if asked, I would probably tell you that my most defining personality characteristic is my sense of determination. For those of you out there who find yourselves in a position similar to the one I was in, I have one very important piece of advice: Keep your eyes on the prize and NEVER, ever, EVER, GIVE UP!!! Everyone in this life has a purpose and if somewhere deep inside the core of your being, there is a calling, the last thing you should ever do is ignore it. I am now reaping the rewards for paying attention to my own.

Unlike most other students across the country who will embark on the final phase of their formal education this fall, I am not taking any of my opportunities for granted. While I have shared a small piece of my journey (to this point) with you today, getting here was no walk in the park. In a way, packing my belongings is both symbolic and cathartic for me. After many long years of forcing myself to live in the past (4 billion years in the past, to be exact), I can finally turn my eyes to the future and all the incredible things I'm going to do with my life. If I hadn't gotten these implants that make packing just a little more difficult, I would not be doing anything at all for astrobiology.