The Final Installment of the ISU Trilogy

I just sent a letter to the admissions committee at ISU stating the reasons why I wouldn't be able to attend their programs (detailed here in my previous blog entry). Although I know it was the right decision, on so many levels, I do have regrets. I guess I had come to consider the SSP as sort of like a space camp program for professionals and it probably would have been about as much fun. Oh well! Maybe someday, I'll get to do something even better.

On a lighter note, we've decided to step up our fundraising efforts at the AARI Gift Shop by offering private viewings to our local customers. Rather than having them view our inventory online, we will be bringing the collection directly to them in their homes, workplaces, parties... whatever! It's become obvious to us that we tend to sell the most jewelry at large gatherings or when someone has taken the time to call us up to inquire about our products. We realize that not everyone is comfortable shopping online so it just seemed logical to change our strategy to mesh with our patrons' desires.

Anyone who is interested in a free private showing can give us a call at (705) 946-5364 and we'll be happy to schedule an appointment. Anyone living in, or near either of the twin Soos (that's Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario or Michigan) resides within a convenient geographical zone for us. I should also point out that we will only be able to do this for the next few months because once I go to Madison, Wisconsin for graduate school, I won't be able to oversee operations here again until I return. So, if anyone out there is considering taking advantage of these free private showings, I would strongly advise that they call and book us sooner, rather than later.

In the meantime, I'll be editing our website so that people may call or email us as well. I also hope to place a calendar there so people can see when we're available and choose a time slot that's most convenient for them.

The ISU Saga Continues...

As you know, the other day I received a letter from ISU which seemed to be asking me to send 1,000 euros in order to be considered for a 20,000 euro scholarship. The email further went on to say that I had been wait-listed and that the class was full. Considering the fact that I had already received two separate acceptance letters for the SSP09 and MSS programs (via email and snail-mail), I was very confused and even began to wonder if it was some sort of scam since whoever sent it didn't seem to realize that I had already been accepted. Like I said before, one should never have to send money in order to be considered for a scholarship.

As it turns out, the final letter (about the wait-list) was sent in error and I hadn't been wait-listed after all. After having that clarified, ISU then offered me a 20,000 euro scholarship which would have reduced the overall cost of attending to 13,500 euros. Considering this fee covers tuition for both programs as well as housing & board, it seemed like a much more reasonable amount and since I hadn't planned on completing the MSS until after receiving my PhD from Wisconsin, I had plenty of time to raise the money.

Sounds good right? Unfortunately, there was just one teeny-tiny catch... I had to send a 1,000 Euro deposit to hold my place in the program and it has to be received by Monday. Since I never send deposits until I am certain I can come up with the remaining balance, I cannot in good faith, send the money (yes, this is what the 1,000 Euros was really about; now that I think about it, I probably received a "hybrid" letter composed of 2 letters sent to 2 different groups of people that day: 1 for those wait-listed and another for the scholarship). To be honest, I was surprised that they wanted a deposit in the first place and then I was shocked to find out that they wanted it so early (long before I've gotten decisions regarding the rest of my scholarship applications).

I never intended to go to ISU at all if I couldn't find enough financial aid to pay for it. I was never comfortable with the idea of siphoning off this month's profits from the gift shop to cover shortfalls in funding. So, I guess the bottom line is that since I'm required to start sending money before I was ready to, I won't be going to ISU at all. I know I am far from being alone in this situation as I've been corresponding with other prospective students who I happened to bump into on Facebook. Just about everyone has managed to find at least some financial aid but almost no one I've spoken to has managed to secure the entire 33,500 euro balance.

Even if ISU is worth every penny (and graduates insist it was for them), it's simply too much for members of the middle-class and below to pay. In some ways, I'm relieved. I had the sense to know when I would have been spending above my means. Borrowing the remaining balance through student loans was never an option in my mind (I borrowed more than enough as an undergrad!) and I have seen others get into trouble after borrowing too much. One friend who comes to mind borrowed about $136,000.00 to finance his baccalaureate degree and two masters degrees and I certainly don't envy him! I can't imagine how high his monthly repayments must be! Still, I see him as a victim of his circumstances too because his upbringing was so very different from my own.

I believe that having a chronic illness teaches one to be a lot more frugal. Student loans by themselves are a fact of life for members of my cohort but to combine those with skyrocketing medical bills... Let's just say you have to learn fast if you ever hope to keep your head above water. There simply wasn't any room for error and there were almost no opportunities to splurge. Maybe I should be more disappointed about not being able to go to ISU but on some level, I expected not to go-- it really was a luxury that I knew I couldn't afford on my own. I often view my choices in the context of "what could go wrong?" Six years from now, I won't be able to turn back time and decide not to go in order to save myself from the crushing financial burden of having gone to ISU. Making a smaller sacrifice now potentially saves me from a worse situation later.

I've mentioned Suzie Orman before and I have to say, that I think she's really onto something when she says that people spend money on things they can't afford because they're trying to satisfy some inner loss or emptiness. If I didn't believe I was going to be successful, or that the opportunities I have wouldn't be enough to get me where I want to be in life, I might have taken a chance on ISU. I might have rolled the dice and simply hoped to find the rest of that money later down the road. I know a lot of people who do that-- they gamble, and I have to say, that sometimes they win... but not always. Sometimes the price is just too high and once you make a mistake like that, it may be impossible to set things right again.

As much as I wish I could go to ISU, I also know that I don't need to go. I will be fine without it and so will AARI. We'll find other ways to finance our development that aren't as risky and in the end, I think we'll be better off as a result.

ISU Acceptance Letter

AARI Turns 1 Year Old Today!

Today marks the first anniversary of the Atlantis Astrobiology Research Institute. I started this organization as a virtual research group in Malden, Massachusetts and over this past summer, moved our base of operations to our permanent home in Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario. We are very proud to have reached this important landmark and we hope to enjoy many more years as we continue to explore this fascinating field called, "astrobiology". Thanks to everyone for supporting us during this first year.

Scholarship Scams: Beware of Imitations!

As some of you already know, I applied for a few ISU-related scholarships over the winter. Today I received an odd email which stated that I would need to send a thousand euros to be considered for a 20,000 euro scholarship (in addition to 13,500 euros after that). Since I already lost one scholarship because I was a dual citizen (United States-Canada for an award which required United States citizenship), you can understand why I might be wary-- particularly since the most common scholarship scams ask applicants to send money up-front (to prove you're serious). Given my experiences so far with ISU-affiliated groups, I'm seriously considering abandoning the idea of spending the summer there entirely. Tuition for ISU is astronomical (33,500 euros) and I've already accepted a very attractive offer from my first choice (U. Wisc). Perhaps it's time to cut it off with ISU and just be happy about UW. Clearly, whoever it was that sent me such a ridiculous offer believes ISU recruits idiots and I'm sure many of my friends (ISU graduates) would vehemently disagree!

Besides, why would I pay 33,500 euros to go to ISU when I can go to UW and be paid for it? At the very least (if both programs were considered equals) in this economic climate, every dollar (and euro) counts and I'm sure Suzie Orman would tell me that going to ISU at this point in time wasn't a good idea. Sometimes our dreams get the better of us and we lose sight of sensibility. True, money wasn't my primary motivator in choosing a graduate program, but I couldn't completely ignore it either.

I decided which institution I would attend based on the calibre of the program and its faculty, as well as opportunities for research, above all else. Further down my list of preferences, were items which pertained to quality of life (access to medical care, student housing, financial stability, social opportunities, etc.) and other factors which (thankfully) only substantiated the case my heart made for going to UW. I've met a lot of people who loved ISU but their situations were quite different from mine. Deciding to attend UW was very easy for me but I can't say the same about ISU... at least, not the way things are right now. I don't want to jeopardize a productive start at UW because of crushing financial debts incurred from ISU's summer program. I also don't want to sacrifice the needs of my growing business. I have other things going on in my life besides ISU; other pathways to success.

Having been a student in four different universities, I've come to realize that the way in which faculty interact with students says a lot about the quality of an academic program. If the correspondence you receive makes you feel good inside (esp. inspired/motivated), then that's a BIG hint! However, if you find yourself avoiding your inbox because you're so afraid to find a long list of impossible demands (financial, occupational, etc.), then you are in a place that doesn't appreciate what you bring to the table and it's time to let go. I really don't think we listen to our "guts" enough. I ignored mine for a very long time and only started listening to it again this past year or so. Trust me, ignoring your instincts wastes a LOT of time! Don't feel bad if you don't fit in because it is not always your fault. Measuring up is a two-way street and both parties have standards to meet.

At any rate, I guess everyone will know what I've decided if I take down the ISU poster on my store website. It would have been cool to spend the summer at NASA-Ames... but at what price? There will still be plenty of time for Ames later as a post-doc! I just hope ISU learns from this experience (students having difficulty with financial aid) and finds ways to improve upon their current support system. In the meantime, I will remove the "scholarships" in question from my website in order to protect others. If anyone reading this blog has new scholarships, fellowships or research awards to add, or warnings/concerns about existing items included on the page, please let me know ASAP via email at jordan.protocell@gmail.com.

Oh well. Live and learn!

Plenty of Opportunity but...

As the economy descended even further towards rock bottom, so too did our fundraising efforts (the AARI Gift Shop) which recorded its lowest monthly profit since it first opened last December. As depressing as that is, I am not discouraged. AARI isn’t like other research institutions in that we don’t have set expenses to eat away at our income each month. Since we have yet to bring in a steady stream of revenue, we have been careful not to commit to costly endeavors that could put us deep in debt before we ever really get off the ground. Instead of running up tabs on reagents and equipment we can’t afford, we just have to wait a little longer so that we can purchase those items outright instead.

I have received a lot of correspondence from other astrobiologists-in-training who have found it very difficult to secure financial aid for school or to find steady work that would allow them to pursue their dreams in a relevant occupation. My greatest regret is that we do not yet have enough money to be able to hire anyone from this pool of highly talented individuals. Although I was fortunate enough to be rewarded in my pursuits where my education is concerned, I was searching for other opportunities (esp. next summer) as well.

I had applied to the International Space University’s summer SSP09 program (to be held at NASA-Ames Research Center) in addition to the MSS program (as a fall-back position, in the event that I was not accepted to a doctoral program—which I was). While I was accepted to both of these programs, I was finding myself hard-pressed to be able to pay the more than 33,000 Euro tuition bill. At the very least, I would have liked to attend the summer program before starting my PhD at the University of Wisconsin-Madison and then, perhaps later after graduation, returning for that Masters program. I suppose it isn’t a huge loss to not be able to attend the MSS program in Strasbourg, France but having NASA-Ames on the resumé would have been a nice bonus indeed!

That doesn’t mean I won’t have anything to do next summer if I can’t go. There is a possibility that I might be able to get started at the University of Wisconsin a bit early (again, funding permitting) which, in all actuality would be the best possible scenario. If I can’t have everything, then at least I can have the best of what’s out there for me. Just in case, I decided to devote all of next month's profits towards a scholarship fund to send me to the SSP09. You just never know... if anyone wants to click on the ads here on the blog and toss a few pennies my way (through AdSense), I won't object!

A Rocky Road and a Fresh Start

Over the past few days, moving to Madison has become a lot more concrete in my mind. I have already started to pack my belongings. I suppose there are several reasons I have for doing this. First of all, I'm looking forward to going there and getting started on a wicked-cool new research project. I had a great time interviewing there and met a lot of great people during my visit. Why wouldn't I want more of that? Second, moving is a lot more difficult for me than it is for most other people-- because of my spinal implants, the weight I am able to lift is limited. Since I don't have much help here, it's often best for me to start packing far in advance. That way, I'm not scrambling to cram too much into boxes I can't reach, move, open, etc., at the last minute.

You may be wondering what I'm talking about when I say I have trouble doing some things. You see, in many ways Madison is going to be a fresh, new start for me. My path to scientific independence (despite how it may look), wasn't always as smooth as it is now. About eight years ago, I received a life-changing bit of news that had the potential to completely derail my plans for the future. A pancreatic tumor in someone my age (a very young woman) should have been annoying but easily reparable and it wasn't. Treatment that should have gone smoothly did not and as a result, complications ensued which forced me to put my life on hold. These sorts of "complications" plague millions of patients around the world, and I am by no means unique in this respect. The biggest monkey-wrench in all my plans and aspirations was not, in fact a neoplasm, but the damaged nerves left behind. I suffer from chronic pain... and looking at me today, you would never know.

I owe my health today to an implanted device called an intrathecal pump which, dispenses pain medication directly into the epidural space in my spine. Thanks to this device, I go about my daily life as if nothing ever happened. I feel no pain and because the dose required for intrathecal injection is so low, I experience no side effects from the medication either. I waited nearly five-and-a-half years for this level of relief and the part that's truly shocking about that, is the fact that I am one of the lucky ones. Millions more like me won't ever have so much as one more day in their entire lives without pain.

Life before the pump was nothing short of horrific. Between the pills, patches, celiac plexus blocks, botox and even a spinal cord stimulator, it was difficult to convince anyone in the medical community not to give up on me. In my case, the pump truly was the last resort. I used to take simple things like eating for granted; excruciating! Bombarded by skyrocketing medical bills, excluded by colleagues and classmates who didn't understand, and emaciated, I reached a point where my quality of life was virtually nil. It was hard not to be jealous of every other person in my life-- especially when I saw them happy. Even when faced with such odds, something propelled me forward.

Looking back, what motivated me had nothing to do with alleviating pain. Rather, it had more to do with what I believed was my ultimate purpose in life... come heck or high water, I was going to become the greatest astrobiologist I could possibly be and no obstacle on Earth was going to keep me from that! There were many days when I could not do anything but lie awake in my bed. To distract myself from the pain, I used to envision various pathways for abiogenesis. In my mind's eye, I could see ghostly organic layers swathed across crystalline surfaces alive with electrochemical purpose.

Rather than watching those miserable infomercials on TV at 3am while waiting for my pills to kick in, I would read papers about biomimetic synthesis, hydrothermal vents, and the origins of metabolic pathways. I have come to believe that solitude is crucial to the development of any young researcher because it allows us to get in touch with our deepest desires, fascinations, and questions without pointless distractions. Having this time to myself led to profound changes in the way I approached my work and ultimately, this set into motion the series of events which inspired me to break the mold, where my occupational development was concerned.

Most "astrobiologists-in-training" don't create start-ups before completing their formal education yet that is precisely what I have done. My education was interrupted by illness and the ignorance of others (who responded poorly to my state) not by choice. Not once, did I ever resolve to quit. Due to circumstances beyond my control, I simply took an interesting detour. Now that I am no longer suffering, I am almost indistinguishable from anyone else. Modest weight restrictions aside (lifting), if asked, I would probably tell you that my most defining personality characteristic is my sense of determination. For those of you out there who find yourselves in a position similar to the one I was in, I have one very important piece of advice: Keep your eyes on the prize and NEVER, ever, EVER, GIVE UP!!! Everyone in this life has a purpose and if somewhere deep inside the core of your being, there is a calling, the last thing you should ever do is ignore it. I am now reaping the rewards for paying attention to my own.

Unlike most other students across the country who will embark on the final phase of their formal education this fall, I am not taking any of my opportunities for granted. While I have shared a small piece of my journey (to this point) with you today, getting here was no walk in the park. In a way, packing my belongings is both symbolic and cathartic for me. After many long years of forcing myself to live in the past (4 billion years in the past, to be exact), I can finally turn my eyes to the future and all the incredible things I'm going to do with my life. If I hadn't gotten these implants that make packing just a little more difficult, I would not be doing anything at all for astrobiology.